I don’t know about you, but I was never told what to do at this point.
I had the plans ready. The blueprint of my life was right in front of me. Everything was happening according to schedule, and then bam! Adulthood.
This may just be me, but I only planned my life up until college. After that, I had no idea what would happen. That part of my future life was just emptiness that I have yet to imagine. In my adorably ignorant mind, I truly assumed that I would become a fully capable and independent adult overnight. That’s how the timeline typically works, right? Well, it feels like it went a bit off track for me.
College. What kind of insane young adult playground was that? We decide our futures at the fresh age of 18 and we’re off. The best way I can describe college is a cocktail of stress, freedom, partying, studying, and incredible debt. College is the fastest, but most thrilling, rollercoaster money can buy.
Then, it’s over. Our 4-year summer camp has finally come to a screeching halt. We are now fully prepared to be contributing adults to this promising society. The problem is, I’m fucking not.
I moved to Chicago at the age of 23. I’ve never felt more clueless and lost but also excited for what is to come next. This is the time of my life that I have been most excited about since I was a little girl. Ask anybody that I grew up with and they will tell you how passionately I dreamed of being a city girl. All I could imagine was my “big girl” apartment and the freedom to do whatever I please. The world would be my oyster, as they say.
What a strange analogy. Who the fuck likes oysters that much?
I have lived in the city for a full year now. Quite possibly the most impactful year of my life when I break down all the changes I’ve gone through. But, why does it feel like I’m still stuck on Pause?
All of my life, I’ve planned my days around what I will do next. What the next big step was for me. It’s clear to me that I became addicted to the thrill of having something to look forward to. A new school, living on my own at college, meeting new friends, going on a vacation, an upcoming festival – anything to keep me moving forward. What I never realized was that the problem was right there.
I’m terrified to be present. I’m not content being content.
Writing this all down is making me realize how little I focus on the present. The NOW. Even right now, I can’t stay focused on one sentence. What will the next one be? Will they flow together well? Will the entire message be wrapped up at the end with a pretty little bow?
It’s strange when you finally start to notice a change in yourself. Taking a breath to look around and appreciate what you have. I know, *eye roll*, so cliche. But it’s something we all, especially myself, tend to take for granted. Why are simple things too easy to ignore?
There’s a social script we all grew up memorizing. But what happens when the script is over and you’re still here?
My script was clear until I got to this point. Now, what’s next? Should I get engaged? Start a family soon? Quit my job and find something more fulfilling? Finish the book I started, or start a new one? So many meaningless decisions take up our entire existence.
A mantra I’m starting to incorporate is, “what needs to happen will happen and I’ll figure out the rest along the way”. Even if It’s boring sometimes. Even if it feels like I’m moving too slow or too fast. I’m right where I need to be.
I am the only one controlling this script. So, fuck it. Time to improvise.