What is the Best Use of Time?

Growing up, I always understood the path that I am supposed to take. The storyline has been written for me just as it has been for everyone that I know. We go to school, continue to college, start a career, meet someone, get married, have kids, get old, move to Florida, and die. We’re all familiar with the obligatory hit-the-age-of-70-and-fuck-off-to-Florida move, right? The traditional American family lifestyle. I understood what path I was supposed to take, and I got halfway there. Now, I’m not so sure.

I think I’ve read that story too many times. 

I used to know exactly what the best use of time was – anything I needed to do to follow that path. So, I did as I was told and if I’m being honest, it suited me for a long time. I enjoyed school. I respected education. I even got excited about the courses I was taking. I was, and still am, proud of my accomplishments. 

Then, I snapped and woke up in my 20s with a full-time job, rent, bills to be paid every month, and an overwhelming need for more.

I like my job. I like my apartment. I love my life. However, I don’t look at my life as a linear path anymore. I choose my lifestyle but I don’t like to assume that I know exactly what is going to happen. I’m in control, but I let it ride on autopilot sometimes. I had to learn how to adjust to the unexpected. I think that it upsets and confuses some people in my life that expected me to blindly follow that straight line. Repeat the same folk tale. 

Time is now something that makes me anxious.  

Time is one of those things that give me headaches. You know those topics that just seem so out of reach and indescribable that it’s easier to just avoid them? For example, I hate thinking about outer space. It’s so vast and overwhelming and ultimately reminds me in the most sinister way possible that I am not alone – none of us are. We’re all running around trying to fill our time the best way we know how until it’s our turn to move to Florida (last one, sorry).

To be straightforward, most of my time is spent working, watching tv, grabbing a drink (or many) with some friends, or scrolling through my phone. The modern-day, 20-something-year-old woman living in a big city.

I can say I’m a reader, that’s not a lie. I enjoy reading, but even that becomes a chore at times. I’m in a constant battle within myself. I’m tired of feeling lazy. I want to get out there and make something out myself, but how?

Where do I start?

What do I even have to offer?

It feels almost impossible to do the things that I’ve claimed as an interest. I have every intention of going to the gym more often, finish that painting, or start writing the novel I’ve been talking about to anyone who listens. The thing is, on those rare occasions that I do hold myself accountable, I feel on top of the world. I want to hug all my friends, I want to call my parents to check in on them, I want to just go go go. But, it goes away. It always does. The harsh slam of reality. And so the cycle repeats.

To me, the best use of my time changes daily. Sometimes hourly. Some days, it may be laying around and forgetting the issues around me by use of hilarious internet content. Other days, it looks like today – sitting outside in a park writing and soaking in the warmth, already anticipating the sunburn I will inevitably take on. I’m in the right headspace, I’m feeling creative, I’m feeling confident. Tomorrow may not be the same, but that’s okay. Time is subjective. 

One concept that has been a real comfort blanket for me is the fact that nothing in the world is so black-and-white, everything has a grey area. Speaking of which, is it “gray” or “grey”? Even the English language can’t make up its mind – how comforting. 

The best use of time is a black and white question that deserves a grey (or gray) answer. Do what you feel you have the capacity to do in the moment that will help you grow as a person. To me, growth is all we have. Growth does not hold a physical appearance or state but instead is shown in the way you feel about yourself. Everything else comes after that. 

Every moment is different, so accept it and let it be. Life doesn’t need to be a nonstop thrill, and it shouldn’t be, because how would you learn to appreciate when it is?