So Anyway, Who Am I?

This week, I read a Psychology Today article that speaks on the true self and what that concept even is. For me, this hit so close to home that it felt like one of those Truman show moments. Have you ever had that experience where you feel heavy with the weight of the world noticing every detail of what you’re doing or what you even thought about doing?

By the way, I’m a fan of the dramatics. Does it show?

But you can’t tell me that you haven’t thought that as well. How long has it been since Instagram gave you a personalized ad about something that you simply thought about seconds before?

Are we all Truman?

I am self-aware, or at least I pride myself on being so, but that’s strictly in relation to outside sources. For example, I’m quite aware of my emotions and actions around other people, when other people may be affected, or when my reputation is involved. When it comes to knowing my personal, inner self, I am an intruder. I suppose I have a strong case of “imposter syndrome”. Add it to the list!

People who struggle with their identity, like me, think that they have some secret that no one knows, which is usually that they are unqualified, uninteresting, or undeserving. These people do not see themselves as being worthy of accomplishments in their life, so when they achieve something, the default reaction is self-degrading. 

I catch myself doing this constantly. I get a compliment, and instead of thanking them and feeling proud, I feel this heavy pressure to mention something negative about myself. Almost like I have my own personal balance scale inside my head. I was given 2 compliments, so I must add two insults or insecurities so the scale will break even. I’m not proud of this, but it’s an instinct that I hid behind.

I am not scared to ask myself the question of “who am I?” – I am humiliated by the inability to answer it.

Sometimes living in the unknown feels more like home than facing the real cracks in the foundation. I have a mental block that acts very much like parental control stopping me from digging deeper. I’m holding myself back because that’s easier than addressing the issues. 

Does it show that I am simply the worst at confrontation?

Ask anyone in my life how I handle confrontation and they each will laugh and tell you about a specific time I quite literally ran for dear life the second someone confronted another person. I don’t even have to be involved. Being a witness is enough to make me want to crawl out of my own skin. So I run away and laugh later.

Comedy is easy. It makes the seriousness of it disappear. 

I grew up being the drama queen. I needed everything done my way or I was going to make it everyone else’s problem. Is that part of me gone? Of course not, it has just grown up a bit. As a teenager, someone told me the worst thing I was ever was told – “You are just such a chill girl. You’re not like the others”. Well, that became my personality, or at least the persona I strived for. 

I no longer had control over my life. The idea of being “cool”, “relaxed”, or “laid back” became my only subconscious goal. When someone said something that particularly struck a nerve, I’d simply stuff it deep inside where no one would know about it but me. Because it’s not cool to have unwanted emotions, right? Don’t cry – that’s dramatic. Don’t be too loud – that’s too dramatic. Don’t be shy – that’s so boring. It was a simple equation at the time: stay level-headed, be agreeable, and follow the status quo then you will definitely be the chill girl that everyone likes.

I’m actually laughing out loud at my adorable ignorance.

In a shocking turn of events, this made me as neurotic as possible. Quite literally the opposite of “chill”. I was now over-analyzing every thought I had. I became my own auto-correct. I had a system that kept my emotions in line, so if I felt a negative feeling and opened the flood gates, my system was broken. Instead of addressing the issue of why my emotions malfunctioned, my focus went to fixing that system and ensuring that breakdown won’t happen again.

I was running my own emotional factory, but doing it poorly. When a product broke down, I didn’t take a step back and wonder why it broke down, all I cared about was loosely putting it back together so the machine would run again and do just what it needed to make the consumers happy.

There’s a fun little business analogy for you analytical thinkers. Don’t expect many more of those.

I’d never show emotion that was not approved of by the people around me. That’s funny to look back at now because the harsh reality was – no one cared. The only person who noticed my spirals was me. I didn’t want to be like anyone else but little did I know that all I did was force myself into the shadows. 

Learning to live for me has been a difficult habit to pick up. 

All of my life I’ve struggled with wondering who I really am, so I simply became everything. I change according to my environment. We all do it, but having the self-awareness to spark a change is the first step. 

I am no longer scared of that first step and I am proud of myself for that, even if it took me a decade to get there. It’s a long journey, not a race, and my journey has just begun.